Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Lying? I did that but...
I am an idiot, truly. Every single truth which come to my ear, I denied all untill I got proff of it. Some times I wonder whether it is my self-defence mechanism? afraid of being lied? It is karma alright. A wiseman said, what you did to other people will happen to you some day. I refuse to believe this thing because I am certain that pople destiny solely lies on God hands, Allah the most mighty and mercifull. But I can denied, that my reaction is somewhat triggered that in the past I lied to much to many people, people important to me, although up until now only my mother notice whether I'm lying or not.
I did, trust two person before, beside my family tree - 'cause it is out of question whether I trust my family or not. It was, it is and it will always be a family! - One of that person was dead and the other "betray" me, stabbed from behind, probably the usuall word for it. My mind won't let me believe others because of this experience, that feeling of lost and anger really burned all my system to ashes, create a self-defense mechanism called " layered-lie", and you know what? I hate and had a hard time because of this sytem. Too many lies after lies, till no one know whether I'm serious or joking about things. I tried to erase it bit by bit and I manage froze this one entirely, when I did my travel to Mecca, hometown of the prophet Muhammad Rasullulah.
A magnificent place, where all deeds repaid instantly. Bad or good both will be repaid, I assure you, although I wasnt belive this at the first place. I was so naif and confidence that I won t lost anything when I heard people warned me about thieh in the Haram. I said, it is a mosque, a holy place, and people still do sin? and beside if that happens I'll know immediatly. couples days later when I did the last thawaf, thawaf wada I lost my wallet, just like that. Magnificent huh? the stories is proven to be the right one, with me as the victim.
I don't wanna suffer again, being a victim, or something like that. So try to trust again but truly a hard thing to do, I even sometimes find a hard time trusting myself. The confidence which I have to protect me is lost somewhere. For me today, my confidence lies on ability to sustain my own life, which is somehow lost(?). To gain it back again I have to honest to myself, answering question after question, from me to me and from others to me.
I did try to be honest to my self and other, but alas! somehow other also hardly never believe me. when I'm serious they still thinking I'm lying or joking and vice versa. So then I said again to my self, what ever! I mean I'm not the honest one on the world, I just try to be honest, and now to my confusion, I learn that this also somehow wrong(?). We should do lies when it is necessary (?) "white lies", my friends said. It's an "I-do-not-know-when" concept for me to use. really a troublesome concept for a simple and stupid guy like me. Being silent is better, as far as I'm concern.
But now, I also don't know whether this is the best thing to do.
I did, trust two person before, beside my family tree - 'cause it is out of question whether I trust my family or not. It was, it is and it will always be a family! - One of that person was dead and the other "betray" me, stabbed from behind, probably the usuall word for it. My mind won't let me believe others because of this experience, that feeling of lost and anger really burned all my system to ashes, create a self-defense mechanism called " layered-lie", and you know what? I hate and had a hard time because of this sytem. Too many lies after lies, till no one know whether I'm serious or joking about things. I tried to erase it bit by bit and I manage froze this one entirely, when I did my travel to Mecca, hometown of the prophet Muhammad Rasullulah.
A magnificent place, where all deeds repaid instantly. Bad or good both will be repaid, I assure you, although I wasnt belive this at the first place. I was so naif and confidence that I won t lost anything when I heard people warned me about thieh in the Haram. I said, it is a mosque, a holy place, and people still do sin? and beside if that happens I'll know immediatly. couples days later when I did the last thawaf, thawaf wada I lost my wallet, just like that. Magnificent huh? the stories is proven to be the right one, with me as the victim.
I don't wanna suffer again, being a victim, or something like that. So try to trust again but truly a hard thing to do, I even sometimes find a hard time trusting myself. The confidence which I have to protect me is lost somewhere. For me today, my confidence lies on ability to sustain my own life, which is somehow lost(?). To gain it back again I have to honest to myself, answering question after question, from me to me and from others to me.
I did try to be honest to my self and other, but alas! somehow other also hardly never believe me. when I'm serious they still thinking I'm lying or joking and vice versa. So then I said again to my self, what ever! I mean I'm not the honest one on the world, I just try to be honest, and now to my confusion, I learn that this also somehow wrong(?). We should do lies when it is necessary (?) "white lies", my friends said. It's an "I-do-not-know-when" concept for me to use. really a troublesome concept for a simple and stupid guy like me. Being silent is better, as far as I'm concern.
But now, I also don't know whether this is the best thing to do.
