Saturday, July 23, 2005
Guess I never learned
Is it really hard to become a good person? is it really easy to become a bad person? I think those question over and over again. Tried to find a little justification of every answer I found, but really it is really hard to choose side, either I wanna be an angel or an asshole. I cannot be standing in between because I'll lose my integrity, I'll lose my self too. I don't wanna send a mixed messages to all the people surround me, or at least I don't wanna make them think that I some kind an impostor or deceitfull person. That is the last kind of person I wanna be nowdays.
It's all begining with my "business life" which somehow I supposed to "leave them be" as before, as a part of my deal with my parents which till now don't know any of them. But an old friend ask me for a help, to make everything "smooth". He need me because in the past I knew some "important" person to score his tender. So I did help him, I talked to the guy in charge. Even then, I talked to several other person beside him to help my friend. Got scolded, being humiliated and so on, yet somehow I managed to help him to score his project. But then to my surprise I was "stepped over" by someone I called a friend... Somehow I was left out and being cast aside, after I helped him. In pain, I was thinking to do something bad to him. I did thinking something bad, plotted every move just to bring him down. Revenge was I seek for the pain he caused soo much. But I couldn't do it.
I wasn't expecting any reward to helped a friend of mine, a simple smile, was enough for me. Even sometimes my mum told me, I'm too nice, too naive and I have to be cruel to people. Jeez... I tried, really I tried to change become hard as a stone, but I just couldn't bring myself to it. I just too soft... hahaha... Some times I laugh so hard with tears looking at myself. So pathetic, so pity.... so low. I thought I was strong and mean. I thought myself I could bear any problems without changing my heart, keep my cause and dreams on track I had built. But I was wrong...
I always need someone to, "yell" at me, "Wake up man! .... Your time is almost finished, your goal is there! in front of you! Think nothing else and run to it!". And I do realized this thing a long time ago. Without my family, close friends and colleague, I never live (literally) and stand up in this place. That's why I always treasured any kind relationship... any kind. I always remember this bond and never once I forget about it, as far as I lived. Therefore usually, it was me who called first to my so called "old friend" when we met each other after sometime. Often they do not recognized me so I humiliated myself, with ackward conversation... "Hi Jack... remember me? It's me...", ("err....who are you?") "uhh... ok then...bla bla bla..."... dang!! It hurts you know!?...
Anyway... when someone I trust, failed me it really hurts me a lot. Not that I like to dwell in that pain but I just couldn't bring my mind to that reality that someone could done that to me, what did I do to them till I deserve those attitude? And I also couldn't bring myself to do something bad to them, although I did think about it.
Look I'm no saint ok? and it was really easy you know, have a bad thought for someone. It happened just like that, crossed so many times in my mind. Doing this, doing that... "he must be an asshole because he's so dang rich, suck all the way up to his superrior...". Or... "I'll do this and that to him so he'll lose his job and ended up as a beggar!".... And then the plan was set to bring him down.... Yet when the time comes, I couldn't do it! Again... not because I'm afraid, I just thinking his miserable feelings when the plan does happened and I don't have any heart to do that....
Trully... for me it is hard become either a good person or a bad one.... what ever I choose in the end it will always be me who'll hurt the most.
It's all begining with my "business life" which somehow I supposed to "leave them be" as before, as a part of my deal with my parents which till now don't know any of them. But an old friend ask me for a help, to make everything "smooth". He need me because in the past I knew some "important" person to score his tender. So I did help him, I talked to the guy in charge. Even then, I talked to several other person beside him to help my friend. Got scolded, being humiliated and so on, yet somehow I managed to help him to score his project. But then to my surprise I was "stepped over" by someone I called a friend... Somehow I was left out and being cast aside, after I helped him. In pain, I was thinking to do something bad to him. I did thinking something bad, plotted every move just to bring him down. Revenge was I seek for the pain he caused soo much. But I couldn't do it.
I wasn't expecting any reward to helped a friend of mine, a simple smile, was enough for me. Even sometimes my mum told me, I'm too nice, too naive and I have to be cruel to people. Jeez... I tried, really I tried to change become hard as a stone, but I just couldn't bring myself to it. I just too soft... hahaha... Some times I laugh so hard with tears looking at myself. So pathetic, so pity.... so low. I thought I was strong and mean. I thought myself I could bear any problems without changing my heart, keep my cause and dreams on track I had built. But I was wrong...
I always need someone to, "yell" at me, "Wake up man! .... Your time is almost finished, your goal is there! in front of you! Think nothing else and run to it!". And I do realized this thing a long time ago. Without my family, close friends and colleague, I never live (literally) and stand up in this place. That's why I always treasured any kind relationship... any kind. I always remember this bond and never once I forget about it, as far as I lived. Therefore usually, it was me who called first to my so called "old friend" when we met each other after sometime. Often they do not recognized me so I humiliated myself, with ackward conversation... "Hi Jack... remember me? It's me...", ("err....who are you?") "uhh... ok then...bla bla bla..."... dang!! It hurts you know!?...
Anyway... when someone I trust, failed me it really hurts me a lot. Not that I like to dwell in that pain but I just couldn't bring my mind to that reality that someone could done that to me, what did I do to them till I deserve those attitude? And I also couldn't bring myself to do something bad to them, although I did think about it.
Look I'm no saint ok? and it was really easy you know, have a bad thought for someone. It happened just like that, crossed so many times in my mind. Doing this, doing that... "he must be an asshole because he's so dang rich, suck all the way up to his superrior...". Or... "I'll do this and that to him so he'll lose his job and ended up as a beggar!".... And then the plan was set to bring him down.... Yet when the time comes, I couldn't do it! Again... not because I'm afraid, I just thinking his miserable feelings when the plan does happened and I don't have any heart to do that....
Trully... for me it is hard become either a good person or a bad one.... what ever I choose in the end it will always be me who'll hurt the most.
