Piece of My Life

God is really trying to mock me around, cause he kept sending me message like the first message frim Him I learned, through death of people around me. Yup, He is the one who know me inside out when I even don't recognize who I really am. Sometimes I even wonder whether I have to thanked Him or cursed Him for troubles He was gotten me into. But somehow when I realized I'm that I learned a greater good from those event I thank Him and feel glad that I'm still thinking this way.

But today I learned His messages through other means. When I saw my tiny 2 months old cousin and got a chance to teasing him around I feel something different. I don't know was it call as paternal instinct or not, but he was the first babies who yawning every time I play with. Well mostly children and babies were scared with me with I don't know what reason. So when it happens I just felt strange...

After that event everything flashes back in my head, from the death message or another kind of message which probably I missed. Ugh... really it suck (in a good way...) for someway, everytime I think of it, I often felt God really see my life as a sitcom series with He (offcourse...) as its director. Is my life a curse? :P

The word "independence day" now days just meaningless sound party of rag race or chips-eating race on the backyard of my nighborhood. I still can see people eating rice leftover as their one-meal-a-day and make me feel really, really guilty having an overweight body with no capabilities to help all of them. Often I was thinking to adapt and accept the way of how everything done here, earn a sum of money to help everyone I can, but my foolish pride combined with incurable stubborness I had refused to do that. Probably Im just naive and hipocrite but the feeling I had inside are real and sometimes tears just dropped unwillingly. I hope I can face them and say to them that we are already free, but how can you said things that you're even doesn't believed in to?

Too many luggage on my back before I said I'm free. I hope I can be that person who can smile after his house are destroyed. I hoped I can be that person who had confidence to look to others eyes and said "don't worry everything is gonna be okay" while everthing around them are crumbling apart. Ohh, when this time comes I wished I was someone else.

I just a coward, too scared to do anything for those needy people. Hell... I even never gave any when one of them asked me. I keep telling myself that I trained them to have more courage in this life while myself is hiding in fear of the same thing. I know I said idiotic lines and lie to myself that I can do it. and now everything become shackles to my souls.

"I understand why I love her so much, but I cannot move forward until I know the reasons why she love me too."

"Playing love and politic are alike, you have to say the words without really say them and make sure the opposite party get the impressions you want them to see. And for some reasons I dislike doing politic cause manipulating, mostly people, are what it does. Guess you can say playing also love is not my field, but it doesn't mean I hate to love someone, it's just I like it plain and simple, like my coffee in the morning, but like the world saying, you can never have what you really want..., right?"