Piece of My Life

This is my comment after I watch Star Wars episode 3. Now I know what, how and why event in the movie happening. It was so simple and the characters development was also so slow. Bad movie for you who never been seen early episodes before. The only reason why I watch it simply because my adoration to old Star Wars movie, episode 4, 5 and 6, and also, of course, best effects and fighting style.

This episode was telling the birth of Lord Vader, how young Anakin transform from the light side to the dark side. His love over his wife, blinding his sense to make any judgment. There is no difference between lies and truths, therefore the only truth accepted was only from his side. One qoute which printed in my mind was, "...attachment to a thing leads you to negative feelings, such as greed, jealousy, anger and hatred..."

In my mind at that time flashing back to a moment in my life where I experienced those kind of feelings, old one and new one. Somewhat it all make sense but there is one question comes in my mind, "how can you not attach your self to everything to this world and yet you living in it?". A tricky question, and I'll think about it's answer later on, when I'm wiser than now.

Anyway, this movies also make me thinking about the beggining of a story, the process and the end of it. In life, I learned that there can be a lot of combination can happened, but I believe that it is depends on ourself who create the story of our life, and I really wanted to have "everything good in every section" story of my life. and I really hope I'm able to complete the circle in a good manners, like that movie.

Sorry if today story don't make any sense to you...

I am an idiot, truly. Every single truth which come to my ear, I denied all untill I got proff of it. Some times I wonder whether it is my self-defence mechanism? afraid of being lied? It is karma alright. A wiseman said, what you did to other people will happen to you some day. I refuse to believe this thing because I am certain that pople destiny solely lies on God hands, Allah the most mighty and mercifull. But I can denied, that my reaction is somewhat triggered that in the past I lied to much to many people, people important to me, although up until now only my mother notice whether I'm lying or not.

I did, trust two person before, beside my family tree - 'cause it is out of question whether I trust my family or not. It was, it is and it will always be a family! - One of that person was dead and the other "betray" me, stabbed from behind, probably the usuall word for it. My mind won't let me believe others because of this experience, that feeling of lost and anger really burned all my system to ashes, create a self-defense mechanism called " layered-lie", and you know what? I hate and had a hard time because of this sytem. Too many lies after lies, till no one know whether I'm serious or joking about things. I tried to erase it bit by bit and I manage froze this one entirely, when I did my travel to Mecca, hometown of the prophet Muhammad Rasullulah.

A magnificent place, where all deeds repaid instantly. Bad or good both will be repaid, I assure you, although I wasnt belive this at the first place. I was so naif and confidence that I won t lost anything when I heard people warned me about thieh in the Haram. I said, it is a mosque, a holy place, and people still do sin? and beside if that happens I'll know immediatly. couples days later when I did the last thawaf, thawaf wada I lost my wallet, just like that. Magnificent huh? the stories is proven to be the right one, with me as the victim.

I don't wanna suffer again, being a victim, or something like that. So try to trust again but truly a hard thing to do, I even sometimes find a hard time trusting myself. The confidence which I have to protect me is lost somewhere. For me today, my confidence lies on ability to sustain my own life, which is somehow lost(?). To gain it back again I have to honest to myself, answering question after question, from me to me and from others to me.

I did try to be honest to my self and other, but alas! somehow other also hardly never believe me. when I'm serious they still thinking I'm lying or joking and vice versa. So then I said again to my self, what ever! I mean I'm not the honest one on the world, I just try to be honest, and now to my confusion, I learn that this also somehow wrong(?). We should do lies when it is necessary (?) "white lies", my friends said. It's an "I-do-not-know-when" concept for me to use. really a troublesome concept for a simple and stupid guy like me. Being silent is better, as far as I'm concern.

But now, I also don't know whether this is the best thing to do.

1872, on the dirt road between edo and nagasaki, between the green rice padi field with the mild wind blow them. it is just such a nice day to be just there. The hills as the background covered by green grass waving around like a snake. There's not many people on the road. Masaki and Kenouchi bringing a dirty backpack made from leather on their back. They walking with the same pace as most other people, travel for work to the field.

Masaki (M) : so... what is happening?
Kenouchi (K): wha...?! about what?
M: don't play dumb! you... and Aya... you liked her, aren't you?
K: No..! we just friends... just like that.... nothing more and nothing less...
M: C'mon... who do you think I am? your best friend from your childhood... I'll know if anything happening with you...
K: so? why do you ask then? if you know already?
M: just to make sure my friend.. hahahaha

A carriage with two horse came from their behind, they move to side way and stopped a moment while gazing to the passing carriage,

M: So.. have you told her?
K: Told her what?
M: Your feelings off course... what else?
K: ...... I cannot.... besides not enough time, and our clan will be going soon as the work is over. You know that too don't you?
M: Yeah, of course I know, so what else?
K: what do you mean what else you idiot?! too complicated!
M: Just said what you need to say, nothing else and nothing more...
K: really I wish I can do that....
M: It is easy...hahaha... couples words and everthing free from your chest.
K: yeah right, I wish I am you Masaki.... I really wish I'm you....

They started to walk again with faster pace...

M: Anyway, we'll continue this conversation later, after meet Toyotami Oyabun, OK?
K: Eh? you're not working today? Ok then see you .... and btw this conversation is finished ... I won't talk about this any more.. forget it!
M: Hahaha.. you will Kenouchi... you will... so see you then...
K: Damn Masaki... uhh I hope I'm not late....

Masaki go to the center of the village to meet Toyotami Oyabun while Kenouchi continue his path, ...

(Taken from Anime-Manga, "Dream of the Ghost" Pt.6, by Ken Shirou)

It is easy to find a person to share your smile, joy and happines with, s/he can be anyone you know. It is hard to find a person to share your anger, anguish, sadness and sorrow, not many of your friends can become such person. But the most difficult is to find a person to share your dream with, where his/her dreams are yours and yours also his/hers. It is search of a life time, many said that you'll realized who this person is when your in the brink of your death. Is it true? I don't know, I'm also still searching for that person and my faith thinning each time I came home empty handed...

One day, a friend of mine told me a conversation between her and a taxi driver (? I forgot who she talked to...) when she made her journey to some place, I forgot where. Anyway their conversation touch to this topics, about love and in love. If I'm not mistaken, the taxi driver asked her (I forgot who asked the question actually and I also forgot the details...) , "...are you in love or love with your spouse?" ( I think this one should be boy friend though...again I forgot). " I've been marry to my wife for some years and I love her although I'm not in love with her.." (I forgot how many years he has been married to his wive and I assume the taxi driver is quite old...). after that the conversation continues to I do not know where because she never told me...And then my friend explain to me, that in love somehow related to fall in love, a crush to a person and loved somehow has related meaning with caring. Well... at that time I just listen her words though... I mean it doesn't connect with anything in my brain, just store it and remember that she told me that odd story.

To tell you guys the truth... the love concept somehow still become a big question mark in my brain. It is hard to find a definition which can describe completly its meaning. I understand really well that someone (especially me...) have to experience first the feeling to define it properly. That is why I can identified clearly relationship between familly, cause I've experienced those. Friend and neighborhood too I can grasp its meaning. But love? I stopped to understand at some point. "...don't try to understand it just live with it, because you'll missed it when you even try to understand it..." a word of wisdom from old friend of mine. Probably he is right, at least I also think the same thing, that is why I stopped to understand it and enjoy it while it last.

I remember my first crush to girl, and amazingly it still pictured clear in my mind although it is only "child love" and nothing serious about it... hahaha..... Mix of happy, confused, exitement and insecured feeling everytime I go near her(Yes damnit..., a guy like me also experience that thing...), and at this point I stopped to think... I just enjoy the funny sensation. And it always happened everytime I meet a girl I liked so much, till today.

But there is something different now, yesterday we just a child with nothing to think about, all we have to think is how fun these will be. and now, with my age almost hit the ceiling, having crush for someone is become a big problem. This because I cared for her too much and she is also had worries about "friendly love" concept. Because of this I just feel I betray her trust for me as her friend. But truly, being crushed is not my choice. Wrong or right is not a problem here, so does the question of "love or love me not". My guilt is chasing me all around and I know I cannot let it go in the near future. I just hope my decision I made somehow will be the correct one.

This song is dedicated to all my poor friends in the world whose girlfriends don't know how your feelings...

If you are girls reading this .... I just hope you all understand the meaning...

...
She's always on my mind, from the time when I wake up,
till I close my eyes,
she's everywhere I go, she's all I know

though she's so far away, just keeps getting stronger
everyday...,
and even now she's gone, I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start?
'cause it's breaking' my heart
don't wanna let her go...

#chorus
Maybe my love will come back someday,
only Heaven knows...
Maybe our hearts will find a way,
only Heaven knows...
All I can do is hope and pray
'Cause Heaven knows

My friends keep telling me, that if you really love her,
you gotta set her free,
and if she returns in time, I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start
'cause it's breaking' my heart
don't wanna let her go...

back to #chorus

Why I live in despair 'cause wide awake or dreaming'
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave, I'm shaking' inside
Why does it hurt me so...?

back to #chorus

Heaven knows...
Heaven knows...
...

Heaven Knows, by Rick Price